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Sunday, March 29, 2009

I Never Thought Things Could Race Along This Fast

Taking the Namenda and the Exelon I thought would slow things down, but I can see now that it's not working as well as in the beginning. The thought processes are just not as smooth as they were a year ago.

As I wrote earlier the last test remaining is the neuro-psychological one at Wesley Woods at which time I will be assigned a "stage" as my scores compare with the rest of the nation's patients.

Just writing the above 2 paragraphs took me 15 minutes, because the words just aren't coming to me as fast as they once did. Used to be, the keys would clatter continuously, but not anymore. This isn't easy for a former English major/broadcast journalist to accept, let alone someone whose life the last 15 years has been spent as a respiratory therapist and enjoying making my patients feel better.

Emotionally, I feel like a blank page right now. Right now there's no anger, there's no sadness, there's no happiness. There's just this void.

I wish I had been paying closer attention to what was going on.

When I began this blog, I did so with a positive and proactive attitude, but as I watched the video I linked y'all to Saturday, I was brought up short. I didn't realize I had been in such denial. I thought I was in the "acceptance" stage of the grief process.

How easily one can fool ones' own self into thinking black is really white and then set out to prove it to the rest of the world, and the rest of the world goes along, because after all, you seem to be happy with that and are "handling" it.

Thinking back (looking through the "retrospectroscope") I must have been in the "Early Onset" stage for quite a number of years, but was just able to "adjust" and be outwardly "normal". Compensating.

So this is where I am now. Strange how everything just "fell away". Almost like an epiphany. Les Paul had an Epiphony, right?

Enjoy your Sunday.

6 comments:

Timespanner said...

When you can, stay in touch, Bill. You're still in my thoughts.

Lisa

kayT said...

As long as you can make up words like retrospectroscope and make puns like Les Paul's Epiphony, I think you are probably sharper than you think. Stuff takes longer, sure, but the old sense o'humor is still intact. I read your remarks on SDMB and while you might ramble a bit it's no more so than some of the other nut cases over there! Keep on keeping on, dude.

Anonymous said...

I'll DIE laughing, Kay. The thing about words? I don't know.... abstract thinking, maybe.

Also a lot has to do with being able to think in two languages: German and English, and the wau German mother used to mispronounce her words.

You HAVE heard of The Salivation Army, right? Their chief weapon? The ability to disable their enemies' vehicles, so they cannot get any traction.

Thanks for your kind words of support, but please know that I am *aware* I can still read and write and think. And be funny. It just takes me longer now.

It comes eventually, yes it does, but in minutes now - not nano-seconds.

Lisa, I'd love to come and see your mountains! They looked so beautiful in The Lord of The Rings movies.

Let's get our time zones together and have a chat on the phone sometime soon.

Thanks, you two!

Bill

Anonymous said...

Bill,

I saw your post on the World of Warcraft Customer Service Forums, and it peaked my interest, just read through your blog man and I gotta say quite a battle you've made so far. My Great-Grandmother is fighting Alzheimer's and I applaud you for the way you are handling it and refusing to give up. Thats the most important thing right there man, that desire and will to never give up and never surrender. I relly hope to get the chance to chat with you sometime, bud.

Take care, and keep fighting.

Gordon

Timespanner said...

"Lisa, I'd love to come and see your mountains! They looked so beautiful in The Lord of The Rings movies.

Let's get our time zones together and have a chat on the phone sometime soon."

You're on, Bill. Drop me a line via my profile, and we'll get those pesky time zones sorted.

Lisa

Anonymous said...

Dear Gordon

First of all, thanks for taking the trouble to write.

Alzheimer's alone sucks - even when you aren't alone - make sense?

Please try to be there for your Great-Granny? She may not recognize you, but you don't need to worry about that, right? You just concentrate on what you remember about her and how much she loves you - even now.

You are my first WoW player to post here, Gordon! That makes me feel really special! THANK YOU, and LIFE BLESS YOU, LITTLE BROTHER!

Bill