It shouldn't happen, but it does - you meet someone, you connect and discuss things you have in common, you establish a bond - and then for one reason or another you "delete" them with the touch of a key from your life!
During the "dark" period of my life, I somehow convinced myself that no one I knew gave a shit about me, so why keep them around?
This included people I met on the net and on various "bulletin boards" who became "virtual" but at the same time, "real" friends. Real enough so that I would remember their birthdays, at Christmas. etc. etc.
For some reason, they fell short of the "standards" I had set for them, and so......BYE!
Then came this.
And now I see that all the people I sent away are the people I need most in my life and now I want them back.
I am the worst kind of hypocrite there could ever be: Not one who uses words only, but one who also HURTS by rejecting, and I don't know how to deal with that - how to make that right.
So what to do?
I guess you sorta "filet" yourself - open yourself up - and say, "Okay, no more games. This is me, and I'm hurting. If you can find your way back to me, please come, because I need you", and hope for the best.
That's what happened tonight, on the phone. A friend I met on a drumming forum called me and we talked for over an hour. Kevin was one of the friends I had "discharged" fron my life, and he didn't even know what he had done wrong. As it turned out, he had done nothing wrong, he just innocently got caught up in the maelstrom that was my life at that time and got sent away. I am SORRY, Kevin.
Anyway, here I am, the worst kind of hypocrite who ever lived , who made his friends try to climb to meet his standards, and cast them aside when they didn't measure up - asking to be forgiven and expecting not to be.
I just wanted this to stand alone, but hell, I'm a musician and have suffered for my art and now it's your turn! :) (It's just a song, y'all, but it really does say something very important.)
Thanks for hanging with me, even though I don't deserve it.
As you listen to this, PLEASE just close your eyes and try NOT to think of Clint Eastwood in "Kelly's Heroes", okay? Just listen to the words........ and the drums, AND what I have been telling you in this entry. It comes from the heart, but I am a musician, so sometimes music says stuff, we just can't on our own.