Wednesday, December 31, 2014

"I Love You, Mom." ------ "We Love You Too, Bill"

That was my mother. She never once came right out and told me she loved me, and when I'd try to "cue" her (like in the title line above), she'd come out with that answer.

"What's this 'we' shit?" I used to think to myself, but I took what I could get. Bless her heart, she was bipolar as hell, and my brother and I were just grateful when she'd have one of her "good days".

My mother was also my patient and died with me taking care of her on a ventilator. There was no one else to work for me, and what the heck, I'd be there anyway, so why not be there for her as well as my other patients. Same for my Dad, who died a couple of years before her. He was my patient, too. Yeah, it was hard seeing them both die right in front of me like that, but I think they were both proud of me as well, so I really don't have too much to bitch about, do I?

Am I bipolar? I don't know -- never been diagnosed and now I'm on so many meds, that even if I were, it might not even show up. In short, all things considered, I'm a "Happy Boy!"

So now that I'm 65, (yup, my birthday's today, thank you!) I've given a lot of consideration to dying. If I stay physically healthy, maybe I'll have 10 more good years, but (again) all things considered, it hasn't been such a bad life for "The German Boy". Looking back, I've done a lot of good for some folks and a lot of animals. Loved a lot of women (more than I should have, probably; especially that last one. I'll probably see her in Hell - HAHA!), played a lot of music, helped some folks feel better, skydived (bucket list) and remarried my first love, Dondra. All in all, not so bad a life.

And to think, I used to be afraid of dying. Now I think I know what that's all about: You just come to terms with what you've done, not done; whom you may have hurt and loved and then you say to yourself, "Well, ol' boy, you did the best you could", and close those baby blues for the last time.

And no, I'm not going to hurt myself or take my own life. Just not afraid of dying anymore. Well, let me amend  that just a bit: I'd rather die easy rather than suddenly and/or painfully. What's that old song, "Live fast, die young and leave a good-lookin' corpse"?

Before I forget, let's go back to the "I love you, Mom/Dad/Brother/Sister, etc. etc". Paul McCartney says if you love someone tell them now; don't wait till they're vegged out or dead already. It's not a matter of being too "macho" to say it. If you feel it honestly, then let them know and look them in the eye when you do say it. Don't do like my Dad, and say something like, "I told you 50 years ago I loved you. If anything changes, I'll let you know!" That said, I know he loved my mother, my brother and me, but other than when he was drunk I never heard him say it to me.

I wish you all a great 2015 and what the hell ---- I love you ----- even though I don't know so many of you and one or two of you actually hate my German ass, but we'll discuss that another time. Take care of yourselves, try not to hurt anybody, don't worry so much about things you can't help, forget about New Year's Resolutions and be good to the four-footed ones. Especially them and you can do that by clicking on the icon I'm leaving for you at the bottom of the page.

See ya'!

Bill
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9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Auch ohne , dass Du dies in Deinem Blogg schriebst...ich weiß (noch immer) , dass heute Dein Geburtstag ist. Und ich wünsche Dir alles erdenklich Gute!!!Und dass es Dir noch lange gut geht!
Deine Zeilen im Blogg---sie haben mich berührt.
Ich wünsche Dir einen guten Start ins Neue Jahr!!!
Ilona

Anonymous said...

I just read your interview from 2011 on Joystiq (about WoW) and found your blog. Happy birthday, Bill.

I don't know if you still play WoW (I'll have to check out the rest of your blog I guess!) but I'm on WoW right now as I type this!

I'm bookmarking your blog, interesting stuff. Happy New Year to you.
-Amy

Bill Craig said...

Hi Amy

Thanks for your note and for subscribing to the blog. To save some time, yes, I *DO* still play WoW and I have toons on about 4 servers. The most active ones are: Wolkenlaufre on Alex and Waldmeister and Hannës both on Lightbringer. Look us up and say hello ingame sometime!

Thanks again for taking the time to write!

Bill

Bill Craig said...

Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag, Ilona.

Hans Koschei said...

Yea, must be a German thing... I think my drunk Stepdad said it more to me than my mom... even though I believe my Mom loved us and he never really did... even today my Mom says it more on the phone than in person, but that's not fair either since I talk to her more on the phone than visit her in Germany, but the "Love you guys" comes at the end of our visit,LOL... whatever, it is what it is, and in the end words are just words... and what I feel is more real.

Bill Craig said...

Danke, Hans-Peter - for your note.

I think you may be right: Germans are not very demonstrative unless they're really pissed off about something (in my case, anyway). It's more a case of "is the "feeling" there, and if you think it is and it's okay with you, then all is well.

I hope your family and little Nicky is doing well, and I already know, he won't be hurting for the three words from his Opa and Oma.

Dein Kumpel

Bill

Beth the sock lady said...

Love you, my friend. Miss you.

Bill Craig said...

Beth, please check your e-mail

Thanks for the note!

Miss you too!

Bill

Anonymous said...

Hi Bill, I love this blog posting. Thanks for sharing it with us. I hope Dondra and you are well, and wish you all the best for 2015.
Take care, hugs!
Margaret / Mood