Saturday, January 24, 2009

Anger And Hurt

The "anger" is me, boys and girls.

The "hurt" is those around me who don't understand the anger and how much I hate myself for getting this shitty disease and I hate myself even more when I whine about it.

I try to "swallow it down", but sometimes I feel so helpless when I don't have the desire to do anything that used to give me pleasure that the people who are close to me bear the brunt of it all, and believe it is a personal attack, and while it may sound that way, it's the anger that comes with the 5 Stages of Grief which Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross wrote about in her book On Death and Dying that is the problem.

I am on two kinds of anti-depressants along with the AD meds, and I have been on the anti-depressants before I even knew I may have EOAD. I got on them because I had anger issues before, yes, but I also got on them to save a relationship that was fast going down the drain. Unfortunately, it takes two to tango and person number two just didn't want to admit she was part of the problem, which caused (you guessed it) more anger.

So what now? Well, step #1 is admitting that along with the EOAD, I have anger issues and I am getting help with that, but I have no desire to pour more chemicals down my gullet. I just wish there were something that would make me feel "good" again.

A word about the anger itself: It's verbal. I just could never bring myself to hurt anyone physically. A lot of shouting and a lot of frustration at not being able to make those close to me understand

The one thing I am having trouble dealing with is the fact that I feel I can never again have a romantic relationship with any woman. The part of me that still cares about people would like to spare her that, but that in itself is problematic, because if there comes a time when I cannot take care of myself anymore, I had better get used to some kind of assisted living situation. And there is another reason for the anger: Just the not knowing.....

Okay, in other "Bill News", I have received an article from Kris Bakowski of Athens, Georgia, who also has Early Onset and has been diagnosed since age 46. The article deals with 4 "real-time" (and one "virtual") Town Hall meeting(s) of Alzheimer's patients, and is a part of the series I want to write on "Alzheimer's In The Workplace". I think you may be surprised at what I am finding out. For instance, there are many more of us being diagnosed under age 65 than I thought, and there will be more.

That's it for now, thanks Kris and thank you!



skericheri said...

Bill---Presently you have 2 very good reasons for your anger. The 'not knowing' is something that you will have to adjust to...but...I believe that given time the other problem will take care of itself.

Until that happens watching the the following link may give you a degree of affirmation:

Was the verification word 'FATUA' a hint that I should go on a diet?

Ttom said...

Hey Bill,

It is bad when your mad and there is no one to hurt but yourself. I'm in the same boat but you and I need to pull our selves together. Need to due that for our families and for each other.